it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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