then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
