it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
