Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
