If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.