Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.