and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
