I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
