I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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