I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
