The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
