May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
