I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
