when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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