im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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