So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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