The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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