my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
