dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
