it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I looked at my own cervix.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
