I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
