In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
