PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
