i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
