You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
