that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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