saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
