3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
