I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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