just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
