i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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