i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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