My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
