maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
