I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
