My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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