i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
