The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
