She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
