Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So much Jack, so little girl.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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