I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
