I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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