My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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