there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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