I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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