my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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