Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
