WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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