This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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