this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
