She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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