I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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