Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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