Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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