Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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