My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
