the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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